Life of a Subconscious


Life of a Subconscious

by–Ariful Abir

“Hey boy! Hey sweet boy! Do you hear me, boy?”

“I’m not a boy. I’m a girl.”

“Oh, are you?”

The man stares at her with a chuckle. And the girl discovered herself as a boy. She felt no breast in her chest. And this is happening to her for years. When night falls, she goes to sleep and she enters into another life. At first, she thought these were dreams but gradually she realized it was real.

“Pack your bags, boy.  We have a long way to go.” The man said.

She is a boy in this life.  And she was born into a nomadic nation. And she lives in the past here.

“Can’t we take a rest for a while?” She asked.

“We are Aryan, boy. We don’t take rest.”  The man answered and started walking.

They are walking through the high mountain range. All the areas are covered with beautiful green grass. Clouds are gathering at the top of the mountains. The golden sunshine has made the grass glitter more. But it’s quite cold here. A long line of nomads walking along the hilly road.  A flock of sheep is going with them.  And the girl knows nothing where they are heading off to.

Whenever she steps into another life she has to start everything all over again.  She forgets old memories, she forgets her own life. She can only remember that she is a girl in real life.  She has a beautiful mother.  And a strong father.  Her father is an army.  But she rarely meets her father.Life of a Subconscious

“Can you tell me where this walk ends?” She asked the man who was walking ahead of that line of tired nomads.

“No, I’m not an astrologer.” The man replied.

“Can you take us somewhere safe, somewhere warm?”

Hearing the question, he stopped. Looked at the boy.  A strange gleam appeared in his eyes. It was as if he could see in a long-awaited safe, warm place in front of his sight.

“How old are you, boy?” the man asked.


“I’ve been leading this folk for 20 years. I didn’t found any good shelter, didn’t found any roof over their head but I kept walking. what do you think? why am I doing that? why do I keep walking?” the man asked gravely.

“So you know the location where to go?”



“I’ll find out.”

The boy nodded. Seeing the boy hopeless the man felt sorry for him and said,

“Go back to your parents, boy. The sun is about to sink. We’ll be here tonight. The walk will start again from tomorrow morning.”

“I don’t know where they are. I’ve lost them in this big queue.”

“Then make a tent here for us.  Let me see if there are fire and food somewhere.”

The night came. And the weather got cold as time passed. It was hard for them to keep themselves warm even though they were wearing clothes of sheepskin. And the girl fell asleep…

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“Papa! buy me ice cream.”

Here it is. The girl came back to her real life. There’s her father. Such a tall man he is.

“Here’s your ice-cream, sweetheart.”

“Papa, I love you.”

“And what about the mother?” Father asked, hiding a suppressed smile.

“I love you more than her.”

“Oh! Do you?”

Her father gave Nothing her forehead. Afterward, they went for a long drive.

Father was driving on a hilly road. The girl seemed to be enjoying the journey.  Her eyes closed with joy and her sleep came with the mountain air.

Her father tried to keep her awake.

“Hey! Jeny. Stay awake, dear. Look, how beautiful the mountains are.”

The girl was not listening.

Oh girl, my sweet girl. Wake up my little beauty.”

She has plunged into a deep sleep but the father kept calling her.

“Hey, girl! Hey sweet girl! Do you hear me, girl?”

The girl listens to nothing.

“Hey, girl. Girl. My girl. My sweet girl…”


“Hey boy! Do you hear me, boy?” The man is calling him. The girl wakes up. Looked at the man with a blank stare.

“The sun has risen about a decade ago. How dare you still sleeping?”

She felt sorry. She doesn’t want to come to this life but she does every time. They started walking again. The crew has already started walking.

“Don’t you feel sorry for your parents?” The man asked.


“you said, you lost them.”

“I know they are in this very folk. Why should I worry about it?”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t. Grind it.”

The man gave her some nuts to eat.

“Can you find them for me?” The girl asked with a nut in her mouth.


“My parents.”

The man stared at her and said nothing. Instead, he just smiled a bit.

They passed half a mile. They are about to cross Afghanistan. Before crossing the other mile they stopped for lunch. The man hunted a rabbit and set it on fire in a small cave in the mountains. Eating lunch the girl saw an old nomad doing something strange with some pieces of stone in his hand. It looks like he is calculating something on the ground with some pebbles. She asked the man,

“What is he doing?”

The man glanced to that old nomad and said,

He is an astrologer. He has many things to do.”

“Do you believe in them?”

“Yes. Whatever they say about the future comes true. They are important to us.”

“I don’t believe such odd things like that.” The girl said impassively.

“You will.”


“You have something to ask him.”

“What?” she asked curiously.

“Ask him where the walk ends.” The man replied wildly.

The girl became a little distracted at this. She began to think something in her mind alone. After finishing the lunch she went to the astrologer. The astrologer seems annoyed at her appearance.

“What do you want, boy?”

“To know something.”

“Something what?”

“Something that every person of this crew wants to know.”

The astrologer gives attention to her. The girl asked again,

“Can you tell me where the walk ends?”

At this astrologer get back to his work and said,

“It is known, boy. The walk never ends. It continues forever.”

The girl said nothing at this and silently peered at a blank sight.

Seeing the boy standing like a stone the astrologer said,

“You didn’t come to ask me about where the walk ends. You want to know something more important than that, something relevant to your life. Ask me, boy. You may never see me again, you may never get the chance to ask.”

The girl took time and asked,

“Can you tell me why is this happening to me?”

“Nothing is happening to you boy.”

“I’m not a boy. I’m a girl in real life. You know nothing about this. I live in a society where people don’t need to walk for hours. There are vehicles. Do you know anything about vehicles? My parents are rich. They adore me so much that your children can’t even think. You’re a liar, you are a fraud. You have no idea what is behind this reality.”

“And you think you know the reality, boy?” The astrologer asked calmly.

The girl remains silent. And the astrologer began to say,

“You are not living in reality, boy. Perhaps, you know the reality but, you just don’t want to admit it, you can’t accept it. You know you’re not a girl. You know where your parents are. You’re just trying to escape from it. Let me tell you something about reality, boy. There is no other life. There is only you. A tiny little boy who born into a nomadic race. You don’t want this life. But you have to lead it. Get back to your parent’s boy. They are looking for you.”

Hearing the words of astrologer the boy began to cry silently. And after a while, he heard the man’s call,

“Pack your bags, boy. We have a long way to go…”


Written by: Ariful Abir